Planet Fall Snake Oil Crisis [a space age fairy tale]

Planet Fall Snake Oil Crisis [a space age fairy tale]

It had bigger mass than Earth but less rock

and so it was easy to run and bonce across

the surface and spin and defy gravity


our two intrepid explorers Oxyl and Rita

surged laughing from the rocket ship

and cavorted in the gentle landscape

a sylvan globe


it had hidden dangers and the two explorers

died after two days

stung by an innocent enough looking thorn

but their identities were digitised

keep deep and safe in the mother ship cyber vaults

and they were cloned again with new bodies and

gaily they danced once more among the flowers

and pink fronds and willowy trees

until a ground behemoth opened its mouth

disguised as it was

beneath a meadow of bulrush plants

and swallowed them whole

they died dissolving in its gastric fluid but no probs

they were birthed again and this time

they were a little more careful


lasted a week this time before being picked off

by large flying reptiles who only emerge for six planetary

weeks every twenty solar years

to fly

and feed their young and our two intrepid explorers

unlucky as they were timing-wise

proved to be a tasty snack for a ravenous nest

so they were birthed for a fourth time

two shiny new clones who however

now armed themselves and wore light bio suits

whenever outside of their landing craft

and the mother ship

monitored their every move and they did okay for a month

before an acid storm arose as they chartered the harsh

northern continent

and dissolved them and

Oxyl’s last words were:

‘think we’ve been here before’

before he became a puddle and so

they were birthed again and

this time they wore medium body armour at all times and

of course

helmets with rear facing vision capabilities

and the mother ship tracked their every move and monitored

their every environment

until they went into a cavern

not thinking

a radar dead spot and they were eaten

by a large blind beast living in there who thought

they were his favourite wild fowl snack

and he didn’t find them very tasty


the plastic communicator devices

but no matter the damage had been done and so

they were birthed again

clones v6

and Oxyl muttered as he emerged from the clone tank

‘bugger this for a game of soldiers’

and armed himself with numerous

high powered laser rifles and explosive munitions

and while on the planet enthusiastically

killed anything that moved

his particular favourite being the huge bison-like herbivores

because they were so big they were hard to miss and

even Rita involved herself eventually


initially hesitant she saw purity in their mission

it was to be primarily noble in its scientific endeavour

but she dabbled in the destruction for sporting purposes

and soon got into the swing of it

and then a small group of space pirates suddenly appeared

from a worm hole that popped into existence

out of no where

Solarian pirates

attracted by the heavy laser usage

and after an impressive fire fight they overwhelmed

our intrepid explorers and raped

both Oxyl and Rita before

roasting them on a spit and feeding them

to their pet Xxoshiaoossjolls [sort of like big fleshy balloons

but with teeth]

and then of course stealing their lander

which they blew up spectacularly

on the planet’s small second moon

just for a laugh

before disappearing again

the mother ship though had been too big and heavily armed to be

taken by a rag bag of poxy Solarian pirates

and so another birthing occurred and

the second lander was pulled out of storage and

our intrepid explorers went down to the planet surface again

armed to the teeth and

severely pissed off and

Oxyl snarled at the mountain with the cave in it

with that fucker of a beast in it and

nuked it

and Rita laid waste to the plains they had been

attacked on by the pirates with a belt of

high and wide razor fire programmed with

a mind of its own and much indigenous

flesh plant fibre was itself

duly roasted

and then for a laugh they melted an ice cap

and employed weather machines supposedly for

terra forming usage

to alter the climate of northern planetary climes

but not for the better

but they misjudged one storm they had generated

as they tinkered with the terra former and they

were themselves swept away and dashed unceremoniously against

a large melting iceberg and Rita’s last thought

as clone number seven


oh fuck not a-fucking-gain

and the mothers ship dutifully birthed them again

full memory intact seven lives and counting

the planet laid out there below them

through the vision wall

as the birthing gel

dripped off them and they looked at each

and got armoured up

and laser weapon tooled to the teeth

they loaded their lander with armoured

scooters and a full cache

of hydrogen bombs


a couple of quake makers for good measure

and when planet side they started to  make

a fortress base and what animal life remained

in a 500 klick perimeter they incinerated

then they melted the southern polar cap for good measure

sea levels rose to impracticable levels

flooding continents

and weather patterns

became crazed and storm systems reached

untenable shapes and sizes and

brutality stalked the land and our intrepid explorers

surveyed what they had created and grinned

they shook hands pleased at their handiwork just before

they detonated a thousand  nuclear devices

across the globe and a couple of quake makers

sorted out the last resilient land mass

the one that refused to be cowed but now

split asunder

and then as the radiation clogged the

atmosphere as the nuclear storms ravaged the land

Oxyl and Rita took off in their lander

and giggling

flew into the sun.